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sabrinamariLast week, one of my university students disclosed an HIV+ status to me. This student is extremely intelligent, very hard-working and exceedingly kind. The diagnosis came 3 weeks ago. At this student's request, I gave her/him a copy of my diss, though I did not expect it to be of much help. Our conversation and any support I could offer over the semester, I thought, would help more.
Over the weekend, 3 other students emailed me to tell me that: 1. one had Medicaid and had therefore been dropped by her/his primary eye care physician (due to low Medicaid reimbursement rates), despite her/his blindness in one eye, leaving her/him without care or, in fact, *any* care options 2.) one had watched a grandmother waste away from HIV disease and poverty as a child (no one knew how the virus had originally been contracted) and 3. one had experienced a parent's severe illness and endured subsequent painful conflicts with the health care system.
Today, the positive student came to class and told me that over the weekend, s/he (I am seeking to obscure identities by withholding sex and identifying characteristics)had read the dissertation draft in its entirety and then taken the train to Newark for the first time in order to explore Broad and Market Streets and try to experience and understand some of what s/he had read. This student is reaching out to connect in some way with others who have the disease---even in his/her imagination---and s/he is using my work to do it.
I'm pretty much speechless.
Last week, Pema Chodron said that an important part of waking up is pulling yourself out of your own self-absorption with your pain (anger, resentment, bitterness, anguish, etc.). Meditation is a tool for helping you to disengage from your pain, your Shenpa, and become less self-absorbed. I think I'm a good example of why this is important right now. I've been very resistant and resentful at making the required dissertation revisions. I've been totally frustrated and even self-righteously upset at being pushed to teach this class against my better judgement (although I LOVE teaching) during a semester of dissertation revisions + full time work + household chores + community responsibilities. I've been totally enmeshed in my own pain and suffering; the classically self-absorbed person.
And so what? So what is the significance of all my resistance, all my resentment? So fucking what? There is a world of people who need and want what I can offer, and furthermore, I committed to offer the world what I have officially, many years ago---in my Craft life and in my work life, I promised *exactly* this kind of service. And if I can only pull my head out of my own ass long enough to see it, things are entirely as they should be.
I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, if I will just shut the fuck up and cease my internal whining.
But Pema also says, when you figure out what you are doing that's counter-productive, "put down the stick".
In other words, beating yourself up about your self-absorption doesn't help, either. She says that a better approach is to learn to observe one's own behavior, one's negative habitual patterns, one's Shenpa, and then just use humor to laugh about it and let it go. Just stop doing it without beating yourself up; be compassionate with yourself. And let it go.
Things to do today:
1. Pull my head out of my ass
2. Put down the stick
3. Work on the revisions
Over the weekend, 3 other students emailed me to tell me that: 1. one had Medicaid and had therefore been dropped by her/his primary eye care physician (due to low Medicaid reimbursement rates), despite her/his blindness in one eye, leaving her/him without care or, in fact, *any* care options 2.) one had watched a grandmother waste away from HIV disease and poverty as a child (no one knew how the virus had originally been contracted) and 3. one had experienced a parent's severe illness and endured subsequent painful conflicts with the health care system.
Today, the positive student came to class and told me that over the weekend, s/he (I am seeking to obscure identities by withholding sex and identifying characteristics)had read the dissertation draft in its entirety and then taken the train to Newark for the first time in order to explore Broad and Market Streets and try to experience and understand some of what s/he had read. This student is reaching out to connect in some way with others who have the disease---even in his/her imagination---and s/he is using my work to do it.
I'm pretty much speechless.
Last week, Pema Chodron said that an important part of waking up is pulling yourself out of your own self-absorption with your pain (anger, resentment, bitterness, anguish, etc.). Meditation is a tool for helping you to disengage from your pain, your Shenpa, and become less self-absorbed. I think I'm a good example of why this is important right now. I've been very resistant and resentful at making the required dissertation revisions. I've been totally frustrated and even self-righteously upset at being pushed to teach this class against my better judgement (although I LOVE teaching) during a semester of dissertation revisions + full time work + household chores + community responsibilities. I've been totally enmeshed in my own pain and suffering; the classically self-absorbed person.
And so what? So what is the significance of all my resistance, all my resentment? So fucking what? There is a world of people who need and want what I can offer, and furthermore, I committed to offer the world what I have officially, many years ago---in my Craft life and in my work life, I promised *exactly* this kind of service. And if I can only pull my head out of my own ass long enough to see it, things are entirely as they should be.
I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, if I will just shut the fuck up and cease my internal whining.
But Pema also says, when you figure out what you are doing that's counter-productive, "put down the stick".
In other words, beating yourself up about your self-absorption doesn't help, either. She says that a better approach is to learn to observe one's own behavior, one's negative habitual patterns, one's Shenpa, and then just use humor to laugh about it and let it go. Just stop doing it without beating yourself up; be compassionate with yourself. And let it go.
Things to do today:
1. Pull my head out of my ass
2. Put down the stick
3. Work on the revisions
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no subject
Date: 2004-09-23 01:45 pm (UTC)Okay, I'm going to share a secret with you. The important part is doing what you're supposed to be doing -- the whining is optional, but permitted!
The fact that we're doing what we're supposed to do doesn't mean it's always easy or pleasant. And while there may be some nobility in "sucking it up," it's my experience that that isn't absolutely necessary. In fact, venting can be a very healthy thing! So don't worry about the whining, as long as it's not actually keeping you from what you need to be doing. (In fact, at times, it's only whining that keeps me going.)
no subject
Date: 2004-09-23 03:38 pm (UTC)I can't tell you how proud I am of you. Whining or not. You are doing what needs to be done and doing what matters.
May the Gods bless you. May the Gods bless your students.
Wow!
Date: 2004-09-23 08:50 pm (UTC)yeah, I've the same whinging issues lately, too...
Date: 2004-09-23 10:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-01 05:01 pm (UTC)do you know how much you ROCK??
no subject
Date: 2004-10-15 04:54 pm (UTC){{{Lisa}}}