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Oct. 20th, 2004
I am thinking about Lucy and Millie and Nicholas and Uncle Jack tonight, and also Maya and her mom and dad.
Since Lucy's death I have not been able to really think or respond to the death of anyone I have loved or cared for in any coherent way. For someone so eager to work with HIV+ women and men, I would have expected an easier path to mourning. I think I thought I would be OK with it, because in some ways I had thought about it alot in the past. But only in the abstract, you see, and in the abstract, everything is different. In the coffin, in the concrete, it is horrible. It is ugly and crying and anguish and loss and paralysis and not beautiful at all. So far it is not anything bearable at all.
Oh, see, I left out Steven and Joy. Just not able to really process their deaths well yet.
In truth, I am very bad at accepting and mourning the passing of people that I love now. Sort of a remedial student of this part of life. I think I just have a strong tendency--desire---to avoid, hide, not see, not allow in the deaths of people I love. It is too tremedously terrible to acknowledge, you see, so I stand paralyzed instead of writing a sympathy card like I am supposed to.
So I can't really write to their families or think of them, not without alot of pain, even though time has passed. I did the best with Millie and the worst with Lucy. At least I managed to email Nicholas's dad tonight.
I think maybe meditation will help with this.
I will have to deal with this at Samhain. At least I'll have defended by then.
Until then, I will wrap up my white blank paper thoughts and my paralysis and go input some text. At least it is never boring around here.
Maybe a little boring, just a few days of it, would be good.
Since Lucy's death I have not been able to really think or respond to the death of anyone I have loved or cared for in any coherent way. For someone so eager to work with HIV+ women and men, I would have expected an easier path to mourning. I think I thought I would be OK with it, because in some ways I had thought about it alot in the past. But only in the abstract, you see, and in the abstract, everything is different. In the coffin, in the concrete, it is horrible. It is ugly and crying and anguish and loss and paralysis and not beautiful at all. So far it is not anything bearable at all.
Oh, see, I left out Steven and Joy. Just not able to really process their deaths well yet.
In truth, I am very bad at accepting and mourning the passing of people that I love now. Sort of a remedial student of this part of life. I think I just have a strong tendency--desire---to avoid, hide, not see, not allow in the deaths of people I love. It is too tremedously terrible to acknowledge, you see, so I stand paralyzed instead of writing a sympathy card like I am supposed to.
So I can't really write to their families or think of them, not without alot of pain, even though time has passed. I did the best with Millie and the worst with Lucy. At least I managed to email Nicholas's dad tonight.
I think maybe meditation will help with this.
I will have to deal with this at Samhain. At least I'll have defended by then.
Until then, I will wrap up my white blank paper thoughts and my paralysis and go input some text. At least it is never boring around here.
Maybe a little boring, just a few days of it, would be good.