Smiling uncontrollably
Jun. 20th, 2005 09:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sabrinamariShannon has made me a lovely mixed drink and has been keeping me company and making me laugh all evening. It's been so long since I had a quiet evening at home; I am loving it. Every little thing about being relaxed and at home with nothing that I absolutely have to do feels good to me.
It feels like home now, after all these months. It's Monday, and Shannon has put on WWE Wrestling Monday Night Raw, which is playing in the background. I remember when I moved in with her I had no idea what that was all about. Now I feel good about it because it's such a classically feminine soap opera, with tons and tons of thinly disguised homophilia, offered up as if it were super-ultra-hetero-masculinity. I was won over the moment I saw a long line of proud little boys prancing happily behind their role model, a long-haired man wearing a flashy cape, big boots and a neon sparkly postage stamp masquerading as a pair of shorts while the whole crowd cheered. If that's not encouragement to embrace any variant of your personal sexuality, I don't know what is. And it also has a Puerto Rican in a headdress pretending to be a Muslim and slyly poking at middle America's racism. I just can't get over the irony of it all. And finally, Shannon loves it so much that I just can't help but feel good about it. She puts it on and then says, with pure delight, "oh yay! naked men!" or sometimes, "naked men rolling around for my pleasure!". Shannon is the most deeply heterosexual person that I know, and her childlike joy in all those postage-stamp wearing dudes just makes me smile.
So anyway, I am detoxing from months and months of overwork, tension and really really fast whirlwind personal growth, and I am so very happy just to be sitting here *not* doing my FSG laundry that I can't wipe the smile off my face.
But FSG was beautiful, and I loved it. I loved so much that I can't even really talk about even a fraction of it easily, or maybe that's the seltzer, raspberry vodka and Remy talking.
Seeing my beloveds was so good. And the rituals were so good. I was excited but very, very nervous, because 3 or 4 hundred people are alot more than 60. But it was good. The collaborative process of manifesting these rituals gave me extreme pleasure, as did recognizing the unique contributions of so many of the people that I love.
And thank gods, I remembered all my lines, and when the quarter calls and deity calls came through, they pounded their way out of me and into the world with as much power and force and raw wild beauty as I have ever been privileged to unleash. Oh happy day! It worked and it felt so, so good!
And I met new wonderful people, and saw old friends and acquaintances that I enjoy, and I only taught three classes. So many people sent love my way. And I felt it and appreciated every good morsel.
And oh my gods, the music and the fire circles...I danced so hard and so wild that my calves ache and I am practically crawling for ten minutes after I stand up if I sit still for more than a moment at a time, and I don't even care. I tried to kill myself through dancing and it felt really, really good.
Also, I have a new aspiration. I aspire to stay off of the FreeSpirit grid next year. I already told Eve that I'd help organize the Teaching and Mentoring Track, but my name won't be on there. Next year, I will go to classes and workshops, and sit in little fold up chairs and talk of anything, anything at all with the people that I love. And maybe swim a little. And not teach any formal classes at all.
Coming home was also good. My bunny drove two solid hours to see me on Sunday night, and I wondered how I would feel when I finally saw him after five days away. And when I opened the door, I started to feel dizzy and swooney, and my mouth got all dry, and I couldn't say anything at all. I guess I'm really caught. Wow.
I am so grateful for this beautiful life.
It feels like home now, after all these months. It's Monday, and Shannon has put on WWE Wrestling Monday Night Raw, which is playing in the background. I remember when I moved in with her I had no idea what that was all about. Now I feel good about it because it's such a classically feminine soap opera, with tons and tons of thinly disguised homophilia, offered up as if it were super-ultra-hetero-masculinity. I was won over the moment I saw a long line of proud little boys prancing happily behind their role model, a long-haired man wearing a flashy cape, big boots and a neon sparkly postage stamp masquerading as a pair of shorts while the whole crowd cheered. If that's not encouragement to embrace any variant of your personal sexuality, I don't know what is. And it also has a Puerto Rican in a headdress pretending to be a Muslim and slyly poking at middle America's racism. I just can't get over the irony of it all. And finally, Shannon loves it so much that I just can't help but feel good about it. She puts it on and then says, with pure delight, "oh yay! naked men!" or sometimes, "naked men rolling around for my pleasure!". Shannon is the most deeply heterosexual person that I know, and her childlike joy in all those postage-stamp wearing dudes just makes me smile.
So anyway, I am detoxing from months and months of overwork, tension and really really fast whirlwind personal growth, and I am so very happy just to be sitting here *not* doing my FSG laundry that I can't wipe the smile off my face.
But FSG was beautiful, and I loved it. I loved so much that I can't even really talk about even a fraction of it easily, or maybe that's the seltzer, raspberry vodka and Remy talking.
Seeing my beloveds was so good. And the rituals were so good. I was excited but very, very nervous, because 3 or 4 hundred people are alot more than 60. But it was good. The collaborative process of manifesting these rituals gave me extreme pleasure, as did recognizing the unique contributions of so many of the people that I love.
And thank gods, I remembered all my lines, and when the quarter calls and deity calls came through, they pounded their way out of me and into the world with as much power and force and raw wild beauty as I have ever been privileged to unleash. Oh happy day! It worked and it felt so, so good!
And I met new wonderful people, and saw old friends and acquaintances that I enjoy, and I only taught three classes. So many people sent love my way. And I felt it and appreciated every good morsel.
And oh my gods, the music and the fire circles...I danced so hard and so wild that my calves ache and I am practically crawling for ten minutes after I stand up if I sit still for more than a moment at a time, and I don't even care. I tried to kill myself through dancing and it felt really, really good.
Also, I have a new aspiration. I aspire to stay off of the FreeSpirit grid next year. I already told Eve that I'd help organize the Teaching and Mentoring Track, but my name won't be on there. Next year, I will go to classes and workshops, and sit in little fold up chairs and talk of anything, anything at all with the people that I love. And maybe swim a little. And not teach any formal classes at all.
Coming home was also good. My bunny drove two solid hours to see me on Sunday night, and I wondered how I would feel when I finally saw him after five days away. And when I opened the door, I started to feel dizzy and swooney, and my mouth got all dry, and I couldn't say anything at all. I guess I'm really caught. Wow.
I am so grateful for this beautiful life.
