Thinking more about parenting, schooling and identity

[sabrinamari]

I had a long talk with my friend eoma_p last night. I've been thinking alot about parenting, identity and schooling.

School is really important, and tuition was the one gift that really paid off for the happiest, most anxiety-free folks in the "Millionaire Next Door". I don't question that. I also don't think we need to shove Trent out the door at 18. But instead of aiming so high in terms of school, I think we should aim more modestly (this is a big departure in my thinking...I used to believe that you went to the best school you could get into!). I no longer believe success is correlated with a school's reputation, beyond a basic level.

I also think that Trent will benefit more from working for his degree, at least a small amount, than he would from having it just handed to him. Sigh. I still want to just hand it over...but...it's just not the best plan for him.

Finally, I think we will follow Michael's parent's lead: for the first few years of school, if Trent is attending college, working hard and doing well---and contributing some to his tuition---he can live at home. But as he gets older, and earlier if he decides to quit or slack off, he must move out and begin shaping his world and his life on his own, with minimal economic outpatient care.

This means that we must teach Trent to do the following things by the time he is 18, and probably by the time he is 16. Ideally, there will need to be an apprenticeship period before he starts college in which he takes over part of or even the whole household budget, under our supervision, and runs the household himself, allocating savings, expenditure and bill paying dollars and doing the shopping.

I may try to build in such a trial period the summer before he starts school.

This latter piece is what my parents never gave my brother and me. They taught us to do literature searches, use a library and write well by the time we were about eleven, but we were never allowed to develop practical life skills by doing them ourselves. I never learned to drive in high school, nor was I allowed to handle money, much less create and manage a budget. I had no practice and no skill base to sustain me when I left home. Is it such a surprise, then, that I became a classic super-consumer, wasting money, saving nothing and building an identity with expensive, cool "stuff" I didn't need?

Between about 9-16, Trent will need to learn how to:

* Become a disciplined worker
* Create and manage a household budget
* Develop a consistent strategy for generating both short terms savings (an emergency fund), and long term savings (investments)
* Understand the different kinds of accounts and the basics of portfolio management
* Know how to pay bills on time, consistently
* Shop for groceries wisely and cook healthy food for himself, on a budget
* Live within his means

Instead of pushing Trent to go to a "great" school, and automatically think about going to grad school---like my parents did with me---I need to take a different approach. He's already scarily smart, and his test scores and grades are in the 99th percentile.

But what I'm coming to understand, slowly, is this: pushing him to further capitalize on these pre-existing strengths is probably not what will ultimately bring him balance, wisdom, peace and happiness.

Pushing him to develop a strong "real world" work ethic and creating opportunities to help him build evidence that he can take care of himself will probably pay off more in the long run. He needs help learning to solve problems independently. THAT is what will probably help him MORE than his intelligence

I hate to say it, because huge pieces of my identity have been built around school, advanced degrees and learning, but...discipline, responsibility, autonomy and practical skills probably outweigh intellectual capacity and advanced schooling by a good bit in producing a happy, well-adjusted adult.

Maybe I can leverage my academic training by doing a literature search on teaching kids practical skills, and then using this to create a series of age-appropriate curricula....hmmmm....

OK, back to work for now.

Comments

[phillyfyre.livejournal.com]

I'm weird about the whole school thing, I'm pretty good at what I do, respected in my field and this is nothing like what I went to school for. I stumbled into my career in 93 and haven't looked back. I have an acquaintance who's drive to be in the best school cost him his sanity and his family When it's all said and done, he's not happy and can barely support himself, but he's got this great looking impressive degree. The biggest lesson you can teach children, IMHO, is to find something they love doing and to do it the best they can.

[pagandelight.livejournal.com]

Wow - this is awesome. My parents were somewhere in the middle. The *could* have paid for my education, but didn't. They contributed enough that I could go, but little enough that I had to hold at least one part-time job through the entire process to make up the difference. This approach left me with a student loan to pay of at the end, but that has also brought many good lessons.
I remember when I started school, I couldn't believe that some of the students in the dorm couldn't even work a laundry machine, let alone cook their own food! Parent who keep their children dependent in these ways are doing them no favour.

I look forward to reading how this progresses for you, Sabrina and Trent. He's one lucky guy!

[jasminewind.livejournal.com]

I'm really interested in this line of thought you are having, sabrinamari and I want to talk/share more about it but I have 10:45 tickets to Harry Potter and then we are going away for the weekend, but I'd love to chat sometime!

[castalusoria.livejournal.com]

*three cheers!*

I was taught how to keep track of bills and balance a checkbook-- but not household budgeting. I had the basics down, and could apply them to a household scenario. Now that I'm buying a house, those sound financial lessons have resulted in my mortgage lender's offer letter including the words "outstanding credit," which he says he doesn't get use very often at all, for which I called Mom & Dad and thanked them.

I've been disappointed, as an adult, that the mandatory "Life Skills" classes taught in public schools in my hometown (or elsewhere) didn't cover the pragmatic basics of "how to live on your own."

Trent will be so well-rounded-- and well-grounded-- by the time he's ready for college!

[disownedheidi.livejournal.com]

The thing is, if he DOES decide to go to grad school and be an academic, where he went to undergrad will matter. Sad, but true.

If he knows at 18 he wants a job that doesn't require a PhD, that's great, but the school you go to does close doors.

I agree teaching him to invest and work and about money is important.

Show him how to pay bills online

[disownedheidi.livejournal.com]

I don't know how old he is, but maybe you should give him an allowance big enough to cover "his" expenses like phone, lunch money, treat money, etc, and let him pay for things. You could do this before he is old enough to handle the whole budget.

For example, say you spend $40 a month on his phone, $80 on lunch, and $40 on his going to the movies with friends and stuff (I'm estimating, I don't have a kid so have no idea how much school cafeterias are selling for). He can set up his account to automatically pay his bills. If he goes over his minutes, the extra money comes out of his "fun" budget.

Or whatever you spend money on with him.

Handing a degree??

[shades-of-nyx.livejournal.com]

I was "handed my degree", although I laugh heartily at that wording. No one is "handed" a summa cum laude aerospace engineering degree at an Ivy League school.
The tuition was paid. My parents informed me that, in fact, they forbid my working for spending money and would much rather provide for my needs. "School is your job! Doing the absolute best you can now to provide a solid foundation for good earning potential later is a full time affair." were their exact words.
Now, of course, you know well the perfectionist stock from which I come. I will quote Gene Kranz's dictum for that time in my life, "Failure is NOT an option."
So, I don't know whether distracting an undergrad from school with other responsibilities is wise if there is a choice. I don't know if what my parents did was wise either. The perfectionism sure bred true! I am very grateful for my education being paid for. It allowed me to begin my professional life with very little debt, instead of 1/2 million in the hole like many of my friends and colleagues. It also enabled me to chose my school based on fit rather than price tag.

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

I'd like to comment on this, having raised four kids and all that---but not tonight, as I promised myself a computer-free night. Maybe tomorrow, when I've had a chance to digest all of this a bit more.

Hugs!

[faedaughter.livejournal.com]

I too felt very much like my parents kept the practical aspects of managing a household for me. I think they expected me to "pick it up" from watching them, but didn't process through the fact that I wasn't "watching" them save, or pay bills, or manage money. Heck, my Dad didn't ever want me to know how much money he made at all!

I like your approach to these life lessons and hope you don't feel it is presmptious if I suggest a couple more.

-laundry, ironing, sewing on/replacing buttons
(this saves $$ in not-paying to have someone else to this work, and he may someday wear a suit with shirts that require ironing);p
-house cleaning including cleaning a bathroom(he may have a roommate someday, and that roommate will likely expect him to share equally in maintaining the house.) Including that sheets need to be changed and washed regularly.(eewww... this comes from direct observation of a person who wasn't aware of this *shudder*)
-basic car maintenance and care (oil changes etc.)and use of public transportation.

my 2 cents ;p

[discoiris.livejournal.com]

I was "taught" by about 6th or 7th grade how to do household things like laundry and shopping...however, in my parents house bills and money were private. I never knew my parents income...even now I am not privy to such information. It created a huge gap in my life skills. I was out on my own after 1 semester of college and because I kept changing what I thought I wanted to do, they stopped paying. I went from pre med (an acceptable and worthy option) to mechanical engineering (only somewhat acceptable) to music (definitely not!) And exercise physiology (are you kidding!?). After marriage and matt I went back into the last option but also iinto child care which apparently I was very good at which led to classes in psycology and counseling where I thought I might land. But medicine still called me and I am now pushing for the paramedic degree and a possible higher degree in emergency management (I don't think they go higher than a masters). Did I once want a higher degree? Yes. But I am happy where I am going now. Its work I love and started doing at age 13 in the nursing home (I always had a job or 3 after that age). But the financial end was a big mystery...one I've yet to master.
My maura is a typical kid...she goes from wanting to be a ballarina to now wanting to be a teacher (like me...oi).
But randa...well...she had her I want to be a fireman phase...but since the age of 4 has wanted to be a soldier. She is 11 and a half and still wants this. She came to me last year aand said "welll they pay for college yo know" and she talked of rotc and other things. At first she wanted to be in the motor pool like her pop pop. But we've managed to talk about saleable skills an she's looked at army medic and MP...she's pretty set on MP now. She doesn't wwant to be reserve she wants to be carreer. All this I talked about with the 11 year old...I had NO idea when I was 11 what I wanted!
So...I guess what I am saying is...keep doing what you are doing, I llove the money skills idea and keep an open mind that trent may or may not know early on what he wants his path to be! Good luck!

[flamespirit.livejournal.com]

As always, you are my hero! Brian and I also have vastly different views on education. Sounds like we need to read your book ;-)

You should know about this blog...

[jasminewind.livejournal.com]

It is called Free Range Kids and this post made me think of you.

http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/2009/07/16/giving-kids-control-of-money-so-they-dont-always-need-yours/