Thinking more about parenting, schooling and identity

[sabrinamari]

I had a long talk with my friend eoma_p last night. I've been thinking alot about parenting, identity and schooling.

School is really important, and tuition was the one gift that really paid off for the happiest, most anxiety-free folks in the "Millionaire Next Door". I don't question that. I also don't think we need to shove Trent out the door at 18. But instead of aiming so high in terms of school, I think we should aim more modestly (this is a big departure in my thinking...I used to believe that you went to the best school you could get into!). I no longer believe success is correlated with a school's reputation, beyond a basic level.

I also think that Trent will benefit more from working for his degree, at least a small amount, than he would from having it just handed to him. Sigh. I still want to just hand it over...but...it's just not the best plan for him.

Finally, I think we will follow Michael's parent's lead: for the first few years of school, if Trent is attending college, working hard and doing well---and contributing some to his tuition---he can live at home. But as he gets older, and earlier if he decides to quit or slack off, he must move out and begin shaping his world and his life on his own, with minimal economic outpatient care.

This means that we must teach Trent to do the following things by the time he is 18, and probably by the time he is 16. Ideally, there will need to be an apprenticeship period before he starts college in which he takes over part of or even the whole household budget, under our supervision, and runs the household himself, allocating savings, expenditure and bill paying dollars and doing the shopping.

I may try to build in such a trial period the summer before he starts school.

This latter piece is what my parents never gave my brother and me. They taught us to do literature searches, use a library and write well by the time we were about eleven, but we were never allowed to develop practical life skills by doing them ourselves. I never learned to drive in high school, nor was I allowed to handle money, much less create and manage a budget. I had no practice and no skill base to sustain me when I left home. Is it such a surprise, then, that I became a classic super-consumer, wasting money, saving nothing and building an identity with expensive, cool "stuff" I didn't need?

Between about 9-16, Trent will need to learn how to:

* Become a disciplined worker
* Create and manage a household budget
* Develop a consistent strategy for generating both short terms savings (an emergency fund), and long term savings (investments)
* Understand the different kinds of accounts and the basics of portfolio management
* Know how to pay bills on time, consistently
* Shop for groceries wisely and cook healthy food for himself, on a budget
* Live within his means

Instead of pushing Trent to go to a "great" school, and automatically think about going to grad school---like my parents did with me---I need to take a different approach. He's already scarily smart, and his test scores and grades are in the 99th percentile.

But what I'm coming to understand, slowly, is this: pushing him to further capitalize on these pre-existing strengths is probably not what will ultimately bring him balance, wisdom, peace and happiness.

Pushing him to develop a strong "real world" work ethic and creating opportunities to help him build evidence that he can take care of himself will probably pay off more in the long run. He needs help learning to solve problems independently. THAT is what will probably help him MORE than his intelligence

I hate to say it, because huge pieces of my identity have been built around school, advanced degrees and learning, but...discipline, responsibility, autonomy and practical skills probably outweigh intellectual capacity and advanced schooling by a good bit in producing a happy, well-adjusted adult.

Maybe I can leverage my academic training by doing a literature search on teaching kids practical skills, and then using this to create a series of age-appropriate curricula....hmmmm....

OK, back to work for now.

Comments

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

(interrupted!)
There are some things that I took care of because I felt it was my responsibility---and my pleasure---to do. School-related expenses were some fo those things---pictures and graduation expenses, and that sort of thing---but if Jason wanted a new pair of shoes that cost $100, he had to buy them from his funds. I efused to go overboard liek that. He soon learned hat if he wanted something, he had to budget his money, and he had to put things off. He learned that he could not come to Mom for moeny if he had spent all on those shoes, or on something else totally frivolous. (Jason REALLY loved his shoes!)

I feel that kids need some of both perspectives---gibve them what they need, get them in the best schools you can afford---if that's what THEY want---and let them work toward their own goals. REemember that Trent, or anyt child, will have tomakemistakes, will haveto learn some things the hard way---and there is very little you can do but stand back and watch while he does it. You can be support, you can be the voice of reason, but ultimately, it's his decisions that will govern his behaviors---and isn't that how you want him to grow up? YOu can give him a solid foundation, but then you have to let him go to make his own way in the world. Some of what you teach him will stick. Some will not. That's just how life is, and it's a good thing.

My advice? Work with him slowly, see what he likes to do and build on those affinities. Everyday things can be lessons. Don't push stuff on him that he's not ready for---he'll wind up hating that he has to be conscious of financial matters, or worse, resenting your for having only one theme in his life. Kids are funny creatures---make it a game, teach by example, and it will go much better for you in the long run. Explain EVERYTHING so that he can comprehend and grasp the basics, and allow him the time and space to integrate those things into his own persona.

You know how to do this---having children is like having someone in Neophyte for a very, very, VERY long time. It's a source of great joy, great frustration, and great discovery, for both parent and child. You'll have to teach some basic skills, and be patient while they sink in and grow inside of him. Don't over-think, don't over-plan, be flexible, be responsive, and above all, be loving.

I'll bet you didn't even realize you were an expert! :)

Hugs. You can always call me if you need "kid advice:. :)

[sabrinamari.livejournal.com]

This is great advice. Thank, thank you, thank you. I so appreciate your support!

[sligoe.livejournal.com]

We parent types have to stick together---after all, no one gave us the owner's manual, and the kids are getting smarter all the time! LOL