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"The near enemy or misunderstanding of loving-kindness is attachment. There's a Tibetan word, Ihenchak, that describes this well. "Lhenchak" points at how free-flowing love can go astray and get stuck. It is taught that the strongest lhenchak occurs in the following three relationships: between parents and children, between lovers, and between spiritual teachers and their students. Lhenchak is characterized by clinging and self-involvement. It's like weaving ourselves into a web of shared neurosis. By its nature, it inhibits human growth. Inevitably the lhenchak relationship turns into a source of irritation and blindness.
Loving-kindness is different from lhenchak. It is not based on need. It is genuine appreciation and care for the well-being of another person, a respect for an individuals' value. We can love someone for his own sake, not because he is worthy or unworthy, not because he is loving towards us or he isn't. This goes beyond relationships with people. Loving even a flower without lhenchak, we see it more clearly and feel more tenderness for its inherent perfection." Pema Chodron, 'The Places that Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times', p. 76
David Schnarch, author of 'Passionate Marriage,' would speak to Pema's observation in this way:
lhenchak relationships do become sources of irritation and blindness, but like the grain of sand that stimulates the creation of a pearl, this very irritation will inevitably result in personal growth if it is embraced with courage and honesty. Those relationships most prone to lhenchak become vehicles for raising one's level of differentiation, and without them, there would be little or no incentive (or vehicle) enabling this to occur. Thus, they are of great value to those wishing to become more than they currently are.
And I would add the following:
Raising one's level of differentiation allows one to do more than simply grow as a human being. It allows one to become a better teacher and a better guide for those in one's community. Teachers with higher levels of differentiation are less likely to enmesh with students and more likely to maintain their calm during difficult encounters. Because they can more easily retain their ability to think and communicate even while in pain, they are more likely to offer wise guidance during times of stress and unexpected growth.
Raising one's level of differentiation, therefore, is of great value for parents, partners and teachers of all kinds.
Loving-kindness is different from lhenchak. It is not based on need. It is genuine appreciation and care for the well-being of another person, a respect for an individuals' value. We can love someone for his own sake, not because he is worthy or unworthy, not because he is loving towards us or he isn't. This goes beyond relationships with people. Loving even a flower without lhenchak, we see it more clearly and feel more tenderness for its inherent perfection." Pema Chodron, 'The Places that Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times', p. 76
David Schnarch, author of 'Passionate Marriage,' would speak to Pema's observation in this way:
lhenchak relationships do become sources of irritation and blindness, but like the grain of sand that stimulates the creation of a pearl, this very irritation will inevitably result in personal growth if it is embraced with courage and honesty. Those relationships most prone to lhenchak become vehicles for raising one's level of differentiation, and without them, there would be little or no incentive (or vehicle) enabling this to occur. Thus, they are of great value to those wishing to become more than they currently are.
And I would add the following:
Raising one's level of differentiation allows one to do more than simply grow as a human being. It allows one to become a better teacher and a better guide for those in one's community. Teachers with higher levels of differentiation are less likely to enmesh with students and more likely to maintain their calm during difficult encounters. Because they can more easily retain their ability to think and communicate even while in pain, they are more likely to offer wise guidance during times of stress and unexpected growth.
Raising one's level of differentiation, therefore, is of great value for parents, partners and teachers of all kinds.
