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Musings and realizations
Nov. 24th, 2004 01:49 amI did not do anything wrong, and this affair had nothing at all to do with me. It was and is all about Ken. I am in a pretty good place about who I am right now. My husband , on the other hand, recognizes that he is a very troubled, sad man, who has betrayed himself and hurt himself and others through his deeply entrenched deceit. He has begun to understand that though he could be utterly wonderful, he has refused to grow up and become the good man that he has the potential to be. He has begun to comprehend that he has done terrible damage to me because of this. He sees and knows that he has been willing to hurt those he says he loves the most for many, many years.
This is very sad for him, and a bad sign for his new lover and his future relationship(s). He knows and acknowledges all of this. It's hard to see him look in the mirror and despise what he sees there, but I can't help him with that anymore. All I can do is treat him with pity, compassion and respect and get away from him as soon as humanly possible! This, in itself, is a terrible punishment for him. I am his only long-time true friend. I am the one person so far in his life that has deeply and truly loved him and believed in him, despite everything. In the last eight years, I have unstintingly encouraged him to grow, to become stronger, and to believe in himself. Now, he has only the new woman in his life, who loves what she sees so far, but who does not know all of what he is---and thus, she cannot offer him the knowledge that his flaws are clearly seen, but that he is loved anyway. She can offer other things, but not yet that.
He will suffer greatly without me in his life, and suffer even more from the full knowledge of what he has done to me. His suffering has already begun.
On the other hand, this revelation unexpectedly frees me and frees my heart. It signals to me that despite my prior love for and belief in him, he is clearly nothing that I want any part of at this time in his development. I cannot tolerate this level of deceit and this willingness to harm those he loves so repeatedly---even in a friend. And this means that I am free of ambivalence at last. I am free of wondering if I could have tried harder, done more, or somehow missed an opportunity. He is not a bad man, and I still love him in a general way, but I no longer *want* him. My relief is an ocean! Now his new lover will have to deal with his badly torn self image, his inability to tell or live in the truth, and his strong propensity to cause those that he loves pain again and again, without the ability to stop it.
I still hope that he can do better for himself---but I *know* that I can and will do better for myself, because I've put so damn much work into self-transformation and growth over the last eight years. I clearly have more to do, though. My next 12 month project is this: through study, examination, reading and discussions with the people I meet who know and understand the most, I will teach myself:
0.) The alpha and the omega: how to be happy and content with just myself, thus building the foundation for all future happiness
1.) What a good relationship is, how to recognize the potential for it and how to nurture that potential in a healthy way
2.) What a bad relationship is, how to recognize its potential and pass on it immediately while minimizing pain
3.) How I have become conditioned to choose and perpetuate bad relationships and self-defeating, unhealthy romantic connections---and how to end that pattern
4.) How to recognize, move towards and choose relationships that are healthy, happy and most likely to nurture the best parts of me and bring me joy
5.) How to find and experience joy and keep it in my life!
That's the new project for the new year. I'm delighted with it. Tonight, that''s enough.
This is very sad for him, and a bad sign for his new lover and his future relationship(s). He knows and acknowledges all of this. It's hard to see him look in the mirror and despise what he sees there, but I can't help him with that anymore. All I can do is treat him with pity, compassion and respect and get away from him as soon as humanly possible! This, in itself, is a terrible punishment for him. I am his only long-time true friend. I am the one person so far in his life that has deeply and truly loved him and believed in him, despite everything. In the last eight years, I have unstintingly encouraged him to grow, to become stronger, and to believe in himself. Now, he has only the new woman in his life, who loves what she sees so far, but who does not know all of what he is---and thus, she cannot offer him the knowledge that his flaws are clearly seen, but that he is loved anyway. She can offer other things, but not yet that.
He will suffer greatly without me in his life, and suffer even more from the full knowledge of what he has done to me. His suffering has already begun.
On the other hand, this revelation unexpectedly frees me and frees my heart. It signals to me that despite my prior love for and belief in him, he is clearly nothing that I want any part of at this time in his development. I cannot tolerate this level of deceit and this willingness to harm those he loves so repeatedly---even in a friend. And this means that I am free of ambivalence at last. I am free of wondering if I could have tried harder, done more, or somehow missed an opportunity. He is not a bad man, and I still love him in a general way, but I no longer *want* him. My relief is an ocean! Now his new lover will have to deal with his badly torn self image, his inability to tell or live in the truth, and his strong propensity to cause those that he loves pain again and again, without the ability to stop it.
I still hope that he can do better for himself---but I *know* that I can and will do better for myself, because I've put so damn much work into self-transformation and growth over the last eight years. I clearly have more to do, though. My next 12 month project is this: through study, examination, reading and discussions with the people I meet who know and understand the most, I will teach myself:
0.) The alpha and the omega: how to be happy and content with just myself, thus building the foundation for all future happiness
1.) What a good relationship is, how to recognize the potential for it and how to nurture that potential in a healthy way
2.) What a bad relationship is, how to recognize its potential and pass on it immediately while minimizing pain
3.) How I have become conditioned to choose and perpetuate bad relationships and self-defeating, unhealthy romantic connections---and how to end that pattern
4.) How to recognize, move towards and choose relationships that are healthy, happy and most likely to nurture the best parts of me and bring me joy
5.) How to find and experience joy and keep it in my life!
That's the new project for the new year. I'm delighted with it. Tonight, that''s enough.
