sabrinamari: (We are family)
Fixed the cuddling and energy work deficit.

Abe gave me a 3.5 out of 4 rating for the extra sprawl in my nap today.

I feel I have progressed well.

Went to the farmer's market with Kelly and Chaya. Bought a jasmine, a rose-scented geranium, a 6-pack of Thai basil plants and two heirloom tomatoes: a Black Prince and a Green Zebra.

Also bought Chaya a rosemary plant.

Leaving a trail of Thai basils everywhere.

Later, swimming in a lake, walking and a belly dance performance.

Total relaxation has also resulted in a new collaborative women's retreat (with a tentative agenda and a preliminary ad campaign) and a greatly expanded herb garden.

Yet, it feels like we've just been all relaxy.

How does this happen? I don't know.

It's just the magic we do together.

Michael is playing "Angry Birds--Space."

Abe wanders behind him, glances over and says, "Dude, you've got your loaf on!"
sabrinamari: (Funny!)
Currently, I am loafing.

This is a good thing, a thing I don't do enough of.

While honing my loafing skills, I have engaged in the following:

* eating a fantastic sushi dinner with much laughing and very inappropriate body-related stories

* lolling about on the steps of Chaya's office, surveying the terrain with Abe

* getting up late and walking across the street to the grocery store to buy premium cheese and coffee (I really like being able to walk to the grocery store; wish I could do it so easily at home)

* driving into Northampton and go to the food coop, dashing through the aisles giggling with Abe, then with Michael, and then with Chaya and Kelly. Congregating inappropriately in front of the ice cream case, blocking traffic and choosing too many varieties to take home (very important)

* wandering about the streets getting lost while working out a communication difficulty with a friend---Michael eventually found me

* going on a fast walk with Kelly and Chaya, appearing to be quietly listening to them brainstorm, but actually sneak-facilitating the entire brainstorming session

* weeding Chaya's garden and expanding the plantable area, planting basil in reclaimed pots

* liberating 3 pots despite determined bitey ants: "No, ants!" I exclaimed, "I am not afraid of you, for I have been bitten twice by scorpions and countless stinging and leaf-cutter ants!"

* working through some of Danielle Laport's exercises in my journal

* co-cooking (so much fun) and co-washing dishes (not bad, either)

Applying a critical eye to these efforts, I think they are pretty good, but there is a big cuddling deficit with insufficient petting and energy work.

I'll have to get on this.

Happy sigh.
sabrinamari: (Angel Temperance)
The lovely little rejection note from TED got me thinking on my drive into the office.

Over the last six months, I have accumulated quite an impressive little pile of failures. One or two even qualifies as epic, I believe. They span different parts of my life in nice, balanced way

Kind of impressive, really.

I've also had a couple of real scores, real successes.

Of course, one never knows what has happened until months or years down the line: the failure that cut deep at the time could turn out to be the most powerful stroke of good luck, and the shining success might be revealed to have a flimsy, insubstantial core.

You have to sit with a thing for awhile to really know what it means for your life.

So I'll have to watch carefully to get a real sense of whether my successes were truly fortunate, and whether my failures were actually missed opportunities.

However...

I do believe that failures are a necessary part of birthing a success. The first step in learning how to do something is to do it badly, partially, imperfectly.

There is no cure for this.

Unless you are an unconscious competent, with an unacknowledged, pre-existing skill set, you learn like everyone else: by trial and error. And error is a necessary part of that equation.

So I am looking at my impressive pile of failures, wondering if I should keep an on-my-way list, a list of failures to roll my eyes over when I need proof that I am actually in the process of succeeding at something.

It would be even better if I kept a running evaluation of what I learned from each one, and what I will do differently next time. I could track this all the way from selecting opportunities and qualifying candidates through laying the foundation and building solid personal and professional structures from which to launch my dreams.

Not a bad idea.

I heard a quote once that really caught my ear. It was a piece of advice from someone who said something like, "If I had to do it all over again, I would fail faster, so I could get on to the successes sooner."

I like that.

Maybe I can learn to fail faster and more efficiently, causing less and less harm and enduring less and less pain as I go, until I figure out exactly how to build the successes I want.

And I do believe a new journal has now been born: the failure journal, from which I will learn how to succeed at the things I want to do, and do well.

Sweetness

Apr. 26th, 2012 09:33 am
sabrinamari: (Godhooks/Transformation)
So, I'm sitting here working at all my stuff, and I realize that the end result of the last several months and all my recent choices is to feel as though I have become a genuine, honest, authentic and powerful human being who can be trusted to do well when things go badly.

I finally see that my instincts are pretty good, that I will be happier if I listen to them, and that I can and do live my beliefs successfully.

Even if I don't know exactly what am I doing, I know I'll work hard to do just the right thing and to be good to everyone around me while I do it.

I feel powerful, in the ways that power matters most to me. I feel like an agent, and I know I am capable of doing things my own way, even when people and circumstances around me seem to push against this.

I feel like a grown-up who does not have to lose her innocence.

I am capable of creating a truly beautiful and sweet life for myself. And though I value and love others, I do not depend on them for my happiness or my direction. Wow.

EDIT: Strangely, even though I think this is a year to rest and integrate, I also feel a little more like I can move ahead now, in slow, small ways. If I don't overreach or move too fast, I think it will be OK.

Money joy

Apr. 24th, 2012 07:40 pm
sabrinamari: (Element Money)
http://money.cnn.com/video/news/2010/04/27/n_gradeschool_investment.cnnmoney/

This has got me so full of squee that I simply can't express it.

It's a story about an elementary school on the south side of Chicago in an African American neighborhood. Kids in the first several grades are learning to invest via an actual portfolio they co-create and manage themselves, with adult help, funded by a donation from an investment company.

I have been fantasizing about creating a financial literacy program of this kind in an inner city setting for years.

Like, for *three* years.

If I experience any more pleasure today I am going to fall out.

Update

Apr. 19th, 2012 07:04 pm
sabrinamari: (Celebration)
TED Talk application filed.
Conversation pushed to tomorrow.
Financial situation handled positively.
FoV work in progress.
Packing started.
Manuscript draft needs attention.

Thank you friends, for your encouragement.
I am indeed fortunate!
sabrinamari: (Angel Temperance)
I am just laughing.

Everything comes to a head today.

I make and submit the one minute-TED video (clips from longer talks made and posted).

The big conversation I've been obsessing about happens this afternoon.

The cash reserves are officially down to a one-month cushion AND, through an honest and understandable mistake, Michael's ex and her husband accidentally claimed Trent on their taxes this year---so we had to file an extension and cannot get our substantial refund until, probably, August or September.

Oh, and I need to finalize the FoV retreat schedule today.

I'm just laughing softly to myself. It's funny.

Wheeeeee! I'm genuinely amused.
sabrinamari: (Archaeologist)
Quite a few of you like the Rosetta Stone bag. I'm glad I was mistaken.
: )
sabrinamari: (Default)
Thinking about finding a nice balance between not settling and not getting too worked up about things.

Optimal is clearly knowing what you need, understanding what you want, grasping what you truly deserve, and coming from that place in a consistently calm and loving way.

I also think it's important to be willing to walk away with a loving heart, holding no grudge, if you aren't offered what you need, want and deserve.

Pretty sure this is my next big level up.

Kind of excited about it, actually.

Pulling this off requires me to have absolute confidence in what I have to give, along with great faith that the right fit can be found if I am willing to wait peacefully for it/start looking when I am ready.

I can do that.

Grrrrrrrrinning...
sabrinamari: (Default)
Did not win the Really Big Book Prize.

But it was fun to try.
sabrinamari: (Venus)
"I've been thinking a lot about the idea of everyone having something to contribute, everyone having a role in the world, of looking at people in an empowering way instead of thinking of people as needing rescue or being helpless. That we should never, ever discard anyone. No one gets thrown away."

I'm posting this here as much as way to remember it and have access to it as anything else. This rings so true for me...

She has more to say that's powerful and true in her post, but I won't steal her words. I'll wait till she's ready to say them out loud herself. They will be even more powerful that way.
sabrinamari: (Golden Buddha)
"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, not to anticipate the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly."
 
~Shakyamuni Buddha 


Getting the trick of this can be pretty challenging, but when I can achieve it, it feels incredible. To be only in the present feels like sheer, awesome, peaceful relief.

My RIs

Apr. 3rd, 2012 09:57 pm
sabrinamari: (sex)
My friend came Christine came to visit me today. She drove an hour and a half just to check in and hang out for dinner, which was pretty sweet. I was going to take her out to eat, but Michael said he could make us a yummy dinner, so we let him (awesome man).
Read more... )
sabrinamari: (Golden Buddha)
April is a very important month for me. Many, many things that really matter to me come up for action this month.

I need to put in my TED talk application before mid-month. I have a big career opportunity this month, and I need to approach it mindfully and with planning. I need to produce a good article draft by mid-month (and the analysis isn't finished, either), a reviewed chapter draft and a book timeline even sooner *and* I have two weekend gatherings to help run along the way.

I also applied for a long shot opportunity that comes to culmination this month. It's a *very* long shot, but I am hoping.

If I'm wise, I will stack the deck in my own favor.
Read more... )

Lessons

Mar. 27th, 2012 10:40 am
sabrinamari: (tiny seedling)
Yesterday was kind of rough, but it ended well.

I didn't prepare far enough in advance for something very, very important and got caught between needing to do that and needing to handle something important that came up at the last minute. I only managed it all because Michael dropped everything he was doing to help me, and my mentor was kind and patient as well.

Of course, I initially panicked, then took a deep breath and did what had to be done. More importantly, all of this gave me the chance to see, very clearly, several patterns that don't work well for me:

1. Being nervous and stressed about things and refusing to step up and handle them in a timely way. This just doesn't work. It's OK to be nervous; it's OK to be stressed. But when I have a deadline looming for something that really matters, I need to prepare well in advance anyway.

If there's no deadline, I can give myself space. If there's a deadline, I need to step up.

2. Not testing new things during a trial run before I go 'on stage'. This is important. I need to remember that new things come with a learning curve and plan accordingly. Nothing will be perfect the first time out.

3. Staying up late to watch sci-fi after a stressful situation is an outdated coping mechanism that sets me up to stumble the next day, when I really need to be back on track and productive. Staying up late, in general, doesn't work for me, especially not on weekdays. I need to let go of this if I want to maintain my inner peace and happiness.

Now that I see these patterns, I need to let go of the self-critical feelings that accompany seeing them so clearly.

Being able to see them is a gift, because now I can shift them. Holding on to self-critical feelings will inhibit this process and make me less effective and more likely to stumble again in the future.

So I will say, "Thank you, Universe, for the opportunity to see this clearly. Now, I'll change these things, and be proud of myself that I can."
sabrinamari: (tiny seedling)
...and it was fun.

I can now tell high-quality fabrics from low-quality fabrics, I know what works on my body, and I get how to use accessories on a suit.

Found some wonderful things and spent lots of money but feel good about it.

I really had a good time.
sabrinamari: (Default)
Brilliant post, found by [livejournal.com profile] divalion:

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2012/03/restoring-hope/

[IMPORTANT EDIT: I just want to be clear before I go to the important quote below. I don't think people are 7s. Anyone I choose to love and care about is a 10. But situations can be 7s. I am thinking that it is important to release situations that are 7s and give them the space to become 10s later, or simply do whatever they need to do. People aren't 7s! People are 10s!]

"When we’re tolerating a 7, we block connections to 9s and 10s. Life can’t help but notice when you’re saying yes to a 7. It’s waiting on you to say no to that 7 before it can bring you anything better.

Tolerating a 7 will induce you to lower your vibe to become a match for that 7. You can’t cling to a 7 and seriously intend a 9 or 10 to show up. I noticed this effect in myself as I felt some resentment towards the hassles of dealing with my online social life. Feeling resentment only attracts more experiences that give rise to resentment. I certainly experienced plenty of that. Now that this resentment is gone, I feel much more optimistic socially, and I keep seeing evidence that the people around me are picking up on this too."


After reading this post, I realized that what I am doing is releasing all the 7s in my life, everywhere.

If there's a 7, it's going.

I'm also inviting everyone and everything to show me how it/they are actually 8s or better. I'm curious to see what happens, here.
sabrinamari: (Default)
Ten ways to say no respectfully (adapt to your own particular circumstances):

1. That sounds like a really great opportunity, but I just cannot take on any additional commitments at this time.

2. I am not comfortable with that ______________ (situation, talk, group of people involved).

3. I feel overwhelmed by service right now, so I am going to have to decline your generous invitation.

4. I am in the middle of _________________, ____________________, and ____________________, and if I get tenure, I am unable to take on any additional service.

5. I am not the best person for this. Why don't you ask _________________?

6. If you can find a way of eliminating one of my existing service obligations, I will consider your request.

7. I would rather say no to your request than do a halfhearted job on your committee.

8. Right now, I need to focus on my research agenda and publication. When I have tenure, I hope to be able to say yes to requests like this one.

9. I cannot serve on your committee right now. But why don't you ask me again next year?

10. No. (Look the asker in the eye and sit in silence.)

The Black Academic's Guide to Winning Tenure----Without Losing Your Soul, Kerry Ann Rockquemore and Tracy Laszliffy, p. 119

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